We did the asana sequence that scares me most today - sirsasana dropping backwards into urdva danurasana variation. I knew it was coming and I steeled myself up for it by thinking of things I have done wrong and treating my fear as a punishment for me to work through, or a crucible in which I could measure my worth. This, from someone who does not believe in god, an afterlife, or moral absolutism. There is enough of a devil in each of us that we need not pretend there is any other external demon.
I can't wait to see what my instructors make of that, if they do read it.
And from a poem I started writing last night:
Every god damned time I sit down to write this poem
some shiny new distraction catches my eye
immediate, demanding, inconsequential -
trumps my best laid plans
calls to question my motivation and abilities -
laughing with derision, "you'll never find the words anyway."
I loved her, I loved her not -
Schröedinger would feel right at home.
But me, all I do is sit here and mew
bitch about the time I've wasted
lapping at this bowl of milk
wonder why it's so dark in here
Some of it needs revision, and there are a few more stanzas to come, I think. I like the first two lines. The second stanza is sort of clever, which makes me nervous, but I think I will keep it in one form or another.